Let me just throw this in for some mind tinkering. I KNEW I deserved better, I knew I was not being treated fairly, I knew my responses were not imagineable because they were reactions to extreme and unthinkable behavior.....but I believed, really thought, it was my duty as a Christian and human being to love UNCONDITIONALLY. I didn't love him only under the condition that he was loving, caring, nurturing, giving...I loved him in spite of the fact that many of those virtues didn't surface. Still I looked for the good in him. I wasn't ashamed of that, until he left me and then the shame came crashing down on me like a tsunami. But I still have trouble putting ME first...and so my journey continues.