I'll see if I can articulate this. I've been reading about the difference between guilt and shame. Guilt is about our actions. I truly don't feel *guilty* about my relationship with XABF or even XAH. I can tell myself that I did the best that I could, my intentions were good, etc.
Shame--different animal. Shame is about WHO WE ARE. At a very deep level. Self-loathing, self-destructive behavior stems from shame. Shame is very likely a result of dysfunctional family systems or abuse.
We have to learn to forgive ourselves, and move on.
I can forgive myself until the cows come home. I do think I've forgiven myself, for the most part. Forgiving oneself is about guilt, I'm thinking. It's about actions.
My feeling is that SHAME, as opposed to GUILT, is resolved by learning to love oneself. Learning to truly esteem and protect ourselves. Realizing that being rejected by another (whether it's parent, a romantic relationship, or whatever) is no reflection on who we are, fundamentally.
I'm thinking this is the most important part of moving forward, and truly having a joyful life. How can someone who feels defective and shame-filled have a happy life?
I'm guessing this is a spiritual thing, not intellectual or emotional. It's part of my process, part of moving forward. I hope it's part of having a new life in which I am healthy, non-obsessed, and engaged.