Been strugling a bit the last couple of nights, really wanting to drink, mostly out of boredom, I think. Last night I literally had the bottle in my hand, but put it down. I just wasn't willing to "go there". My boy is coming up to see me this weekend and even though he doesn't know of my struggles, I wanted to feel proud for him.
They say you have to be able to love yourself before you can really be loved, or something like that. Well, I don't love myself, haven't for a long time, if ever. I'd say I go from completely loathing myself, to being able to stand myself. Love myself?? Not likely.
I'm not really feeling particularly depressed at the moment, though I often do. I take meds for that, but it's been hard to say whether they work or not as I've always "self-medicated" on top of it. I'm just saying how it is. I'm 40 years old and pretty much pissed away the last 20. Not wallowing, just how it is. Hopefully with the new road I'm on and better decision the next 20 will be better than the last, can't really be much worse...well that's not true, there are many far worse off than I, and I should be thankful for what I have.
The urge to drink tonight wasn't as strong as last night, but it was still there. Nights have always been the time to get messed up for me. I've had a hard time getting to sleep since I was a child. Mind just races, won't stop, won't let me drift away. Sometimes I wish I'd just drift away. But that's the easy way out, I've worked my way into the place I am and I have to work out of it.
On a more positive note, I've been working out every other day all week. Feels good. I ride that stationary bike hard, Metalica pounding in my Ipod, sweat dripping from every pore. Did almost 8 miles in a half hour today, not a bad pace for an "old man"!! Lifted some weights afterwards, left feeling sore, but good sore. Took the dog for a 2 mile walk before I worked out, so at least I'm getting my exercise.
I'm rambling here. If anyone has made it this far, please forgive me. I just needed to write some stuff down. I know I can ramble here without anyone telling me I need to go to a meeting. Maybe I should, maybe I will, but for now this helps me. It's kinda like sending a message in a bottle. Even if no one gets it, it is "out there". It doesn't help me as much just writing in a "journal". If you're still here, thanks for listening. Take care.