I'm a third child
Something to keep on mind is that thinking about how difficult it is to rebuild your life is not going to make it happen. Stop thinking of it as a fight against the world. If you have convinced yourself that you are a mistake, a funk-up, a stunted person, then that's what you will make yourself. You said it yourself, you're afraid. We're all afraid, Saim, just of different things. Meeting new people, making new friends...it's scary. Anyone entering new relationships is exposing themselves and their vulnerabilities, but unless you want to spend the rest of your life "imprisoned and hungry" in your "cavernous exile", you just need to do it. If you're worried about temptation, try to get out in places where it wouldn't be an issue. Volunteer or go to public programs at nature centers, at libraries, museums, that kind of thing. I feel for you, Siam, and I really hope you are able to break out of yourself. Remember that every day you wake up, you have another chance to start life over again.