Incitingsilence - Ya know....... I wanted to be able to "get well" while still in the relationship. And I have been learning all of these tools for 18 months now..... and I just got sick and tired of one thing after another (with him) popping up. I know it shouldn't have set me back in my recovery - BUT IT DID! I AM just as sick as him.... I know that. And the more I started to get myself well- the more sick and twisted we became .... or the more he just pulled away from me. I'm a positive person - and many of my reactions to him were negative.
I mean - how could I pull a positive out of him lying to me? How much longer could I keep telling myself... "well- that is the nature of the disease."
I have children - and I am rearing them to be authentic beings....... and yet - I have addiction running rampant through my home.
I WISH so badly I could have been strong enough to not take so many things personally. Heck - that is why I started therapy - so that I wouldn't! So- that I got back to recognizing my worth and loving myself again. Accepting myself. The thing is - is that he didn't accept himself. He isn't comfortable in his own skin.
I took the drugs out of it - and I just looked at the behavior..... both of our roles .... and the things that I was doing were eating me alive. The snooping, the not believing his words, not trusting.... etc. What was I supposed to do - just believe his words because he wanted me to - when in my heart and soul I knew they weren't true. ???
At times, I start to get very sad - because I just wonder if only I had been more patient... if only I could have stepped outside of myself more and had thought of ways to help him and not hurt him. BUT the thing is.... I truly believe that me having the addict guy as a part of my life WAS hurting him! And taking me down in the process.
It is a fine line for me to accept the situation for what it is.... and who he is (while he is not doing recovery) - vs. - am I in denial?
You are a rarity (in my book) - for sticking by your AH or is it RAH? And keeping yourself sane in the process. I wish that I could have been as strong.