((cassandra))
I'm sorry I'm late to the post here, but I wanted to respond. Your post took me back to a time that I was exactly in your frame of mind. Worse even. But it started pretty much like you described. For me, it would all come in waves. My realization and acceptance of the whole situation would smack me upside the head, I would read and learn more, and in my head, I would understand. For some reason, understanding became more important than fixing at that point. It would make me feel better for a little while.
Then the tide would swamp me again. I would just become so tired. Overwhelmed really. I knew and understood the dynamics of the whole addiction thing. I accepted the facts, they were what they were. I understood and accepted that I couldn't save anyone, I could only save myself.
I'm a pretty logical person, when I figure something out or learn it, then I expect that when I apply what I learn, that it is supposed to work, it's supposed to make things better.
What I didn't understand about my own recovery, is that even though I learned all of this and thought I was applying it, there is the emotional and spiritual portion that really can't be learned from educating myself about the problem, it is only learned from experiencing it and comming to terms with whatever it is I was fighting.
Sub-consciously, I was fighting that first step. Admitting I was powerless. That there wasn't something else I could do or try. My head understood that I was, but my heart kept fighting it.
Those waves kept hitting me, I would get knocked down, I would fight to get back up just to be knocked back down again. Feel better and more in control of my life, then feel like it was all just spinning out of control....again.
It kept getting worse with each wave that hit me, until one day, I didn't want to get up and fight any more. I was loosing hope and I was loosing my faith, worse, I was loosing myself.
What turned the tide for me? A breakdown. The day that I fell to my knees in the middle of the room and truely completely gave it all over to my HP. Prayed that no matter what the outcome, that HP give me the strength to accept his plan, not my own.
Something happened to me that day, a chill went through my body and I knew, I was going to be alright. I felt a peace that I had never felt in my life. A understanding that can never be learned in a book.
The waves didn't stop hitting me, but they never had their hold on me like that again. Even now, today, years later, when things feel like they are spinning out of control, I reach back to step one and have to let go and have faith that whatever happens is in HP's control, not mine. His plan...not mine.
Love and Hugs and Prayers going your way.
B