We are our worst enemies Jay!
For many of us, it was necessary to hit (wait for the cliche here) rock bottom. Alcoholism is a powerful thing. Addiction, compulsion, pick a word...
I had to come to the realization that drinking again would bring me the same lousy results, every time. Some of us are lucky enough to come to that conclusion without too much pain. Others are not. Don't feel unique about these head games you are playing with yourself. We all go there.
Keep posting!