TakingCharge999

These are my excuses to not move on.

- Sadness makes me more interesting. A true artist.

- I do not know anything else other than grief and victimization - that's familiar. And I am afraid of the unknown.

- I am afraid to take the plunge (live the present, look forward to the future) because in reality I do not trust God.

- I do not deserve to feel joy and ask for my needs. I am a lesser person than others. My second class status is inherent. Others come first. Others are happier, joyful, have everything I want - but ME.

- I am afraid of life on Earth. I am afraid of my feelings. Thus I live through others' - through THEIR hurt (hurting myself, carrying burdens that are not mine), THEIR joy (and react with anger and envy), THEIR plans (they are all so interesting and "got it sorted out")

- I enjoy being a victim. Nay, not victim. A goddamn martyr. I fear responsibility. I will deny myself the most basic of needs and will have a buffet of possibilities, blessings, friendship and love from other people - in typical martyr fashion I will willingly close my eyes to this and prefer to look at the cement below me.

- If someone yells at me, or makes me feel uneasy. I will drag the feeling through the week. Or through the month. Or through the year.

- I will believe all the lies and opinions of this sick society above anything else. If in doubt, I will consider I am lying to myself, and what all others say is the undeniable truth.

- I fear dying this way. I fear more... actually LIVING.

- It takes guts to move forward after my heart has been stomped on. And I do not have any guts. I am a coward.

- It takes effort, a daily struggle, high expectations for myself to build a new life. And I am too lazy for that. I am comfortable and this is all well known, why would I be the one to change when others are much worse off? I am mediocre.

- My thoughts, my feelings, my actions have no impact on others. I am just hurting myself.

- Seeing how others hurt me prevents me from remembering how I have hurt them. Badly. And have not asked forgiveness or made amends, when I am actively offended by how the last person that harmed me has not done that for me. I am an hipocrite.

- Therapy takes money and gasoline and I am broke. Truth is I do not think I need help. And I am not yet too desperate to do WHATEVER IT TAKES TO FEEL BETTER even if it means eating a tuna sandwich the next day.

- If I am in the past, I cannot give myself to others around me now, so I won't be hurt again.

- He has changed and now he is without me!! How could he!! Truth is he has not changed a bit. And is worse. But my inner martyr won't give me any recognition for leaving a toxic person or for anything at all I did OK then- nope. My good traits do not exist. I got the car and the common friends and the home and the company and the empty promises for a great future - with my dignity at stake. And inside this beautiful little cage lovingly sprinkled with venom, and my usually low self esteem - I trust my got and fled, I preferred my dignity above anything else. Something I had never done before. But no. I COULD HAVE done so many other things before. I enabled. I did not see the signs. I was stupid. I was too naive and innocent. I was inferior. I should have prevented all this. I am a loser. I am THE loser in all this. And the best one - I lost a great catch!! I deny the facts MYSELF.

- He deserves pain the rest of his life and I will be happy when he finally loses more and its validated to everyone, he really has a problem. I thirst revenge and justice. The truth is I feel Omnipotent, and spiritually superior (a contradiction in itself). I am confused.

- I continually live a life of misery beating myself up. If I beat myself up, and others do it too, their beating up will be confused with my own. And I won't need to stand up for myself. I have no worth. I am worthless.


WHERE DID I LEARN ALL THIS TRASH????????

This old school thinking sucks. I am glad I am recognizing it now. It SUCKS. Its just not life to live that way. ITs a self'created hell. No wonder I create hells outside, too.