Too far gone? How do you know?
What if you are hopeless and you just keep kidding yourself that all will be well, that you can beat this thing, that you can be happy? What if you are crippled and you grew up with cripples, how would you know you are crippled till you see someone who isn't? I know, stop analyzing, stop fighting, stop thinking, but I'm having a real problem with that. The further I am away from the last drink, the more my thoughts seem to obsess over being an alcoholic, looking back on a wasted life and wondering just how the hell to do this. How do you surrender when you've been taught to fight all your life? How do you feel when you've shut off your feelings for years, and you don't know any real feelings except anger and disgust? Geez, I am sick of this mental merry-go-round, but going to meetings and talking with my sponsor does not alleviate the pain of a wasted life no more than talking about the weather with my neighbor can stop the sun from shining.
Maybe the reality is that some are too far gone, some are beyond redemption, some are just a little out of reach. Maybe the recovery ship is like the Titanic, only so many lifeboats to go around and the others just sink and drown. As with anyone, I'd like to be on one of those lifeboats, but the feelings seem to weigh me down, causing me to feel unworthy and destined to be a drunk all my life, maybe not a gutter drunk, but a drunk nonetheless.
I've noticed a drop in responses to the people like myself who struggle to grasp all that is suggested up front, so maybe we are the stubborn, willful ones who fail to see the way even after the roadsigns point repeatedly in the same direction. I can't be in an AA meeting 24 hrs. a day and I can't be here 24/7, so that leaves alot of time to wallow in hell.
Why the hell am I still lost, I am trying. That I know, I am trying to do what is suggested to me, I don't quit easily and am still here, am still going to meetings, and still read the BB daily, so it seems to me that a little relief from the obsession to self-destruct would be forthcoming. I'm on the first step, don't really know what it means to work on it, my life has been unmanageable by me for decades. A lost, bankrupted business, a lost, bankrupt marriage, plenty of health problems, lost nights and one-night-stands, tons of wasted money, totally disconnected from any worthwhile feelings, it can't be much more unmanageable than that, well, maybe if I were in the gutter.
I don't want a drink today, today is day six this time around, but I sure am tired of my thoughts spinning out of control. I spent four hours last night playing card games on my computer just to distract myself from my own thoughts. Maybe some of us are too far gone or maybe that's just another cop-out from my damn alcoholic mind. It's enough to drive ya nuts.