Absolutely no one is better at beating themselves up than I am, and it keeps me stuck now. This is just a rambling post, more to get it out and written than anything. Kinda my journal entry for the day
There simply are no jobs here, and I know that I must leave, but it's hard. My daughter was terribly upset when I moved her here, it was very hard on her...and now that she's settled and with friends, I'm going to uproot her
again. She continues to pay the price for my poor decisions. She keeps saying she's not going to go, if I leave.
I've got a list of the pros and cons of moving-
Pros:
Jobs
Broadband internet (needed for online work I do)
Al-anon meetings (they have them every day of the week there!)
counseling
close to family
beaches
Cons:
Moving the kiddo
city living
leaving this quiet beautiful place
Expense (cost of living is higher)
worry about the school system there
I keep thinking that I'm wanting to move for selfish reasons, to get back in counseling and to be able to get to face to face meetings. That if I tried hard enough, I could squeak by here making a bit of money here and there on the internet with my tin-can and string connection. But then I kick myself (for beating myself up), because wanting to get help for me isn't selfish.
My Mom could use some support with my grandparents also, grandpa has advanced alzheimers and grandma isn't doing too well. I'd like to be nearby when the inevitable happens.
AND, I grew up on the beach and I miss it. If I have to live in the city, being able to meditate on the beach in the evening is a good swap, I think. I've discovered that it's not too expensive to live in the area I'm looking at, amazingly. There are jobs available there (and broadband!), and it's not far from my Mom.
So, tomorrow I hope to get all my legal paperwork done, and I should be able to leave the state soon, should I decide that's what I want to do.
I just feel terribly about it all.