tyler

Still hanging in there. Still have the same temptations to deal with, but I guess I'm dealing with them because I'm not drinking at least.

I need to get on the ball next week and find a local doctor to go to. As I think I've posted before, I've had any number of diagnosis from anxiety, depression, bi-polar, ADD, etc., and the various meds that go with them. Of course I've always mixed those meds with alot of pot and a good dose of alcohol on the side. Today makes 30 days completely clean from pot, an eternity for me!! Obviously it's hard, if not impossible, for a doctor to get a correct diagnosis if I am continously "self-medicating". I don't think the meds I am currently taking are really correct as I seem to cycle moods pretty consistantly. I'll be ok for 2-3 days, then I'll wake up and just feel, I don't know how to describe it other than, "not right". I'll be depressed, short tempered, emotional, tired, etc.

My current living situation could be better. When I moved back out east, I was not able to line up a job in advance. My folks have been helping to pay my bills for me (that is if your defination of helping is paying for EVERYTHING!!) While I am fortunate that they are able to do this for me, it takes it's toll emotionally. For one, they also took a risk moving out here. They built their "dream house" that they had saved responsibilly for for many years. However, they didn't count on the old house lingering on the market for over a year. Now they're not on the verge of getting booted out on the street (as so many are these days, my thoughts are with them) but it wasn't really in the equation to be carrying an extra $1800/mo mortgage, plus about $2000 a month to support me. I do a lot to help them, but the guilt about not contributing my share still eats at me. It really kicks in when the depression is there. I'm doing what I can. I'm applying for jobs daily, both those in my line of work (sales) and others that I hope I might have an outside shot at. I've even applied for just some stopgap type employment (Blockbuster Video, Hardees, Food Lion) but I get the "overqualified" response. I understand thier point, they don't want to hire someone who is just going to leave as soon as something closer to their field comes available, but it doesn't make it any easier to make a dime.

So that is where I'm at today. Gotta get back to the job aps. I think my ex-wife and son are coming up to visit next Sunday for Father's Day, so that is something to look forward to. Take care all.