Hey tib,
I'm glad your posting again after your recent bender...can't do much else except pick up the pieces and start again.
Just a few thoughts:
- Enough with the "dying" business. Yeah, we are all going to die. If I started and continued drinking, I probably won't die from it - at least not for a few years anyway. I do know that I will guarantee myself a really miserable life. Nothing terribly dramatic about it.
- Put honesty before pride. I am getting to the point where I really don't care about what other people think of me. I am living a sober life and trying to be good to other people. What difference does it make what certain people in AA (or outside of AA for that matter) think of me? But I can't live a lie - too stressful & demoralizing and it goes against what I am trying to do with my life.
-Maybe AA just isn't for you. I have been an AA member for 17 months and there are still some aspects of the program I have difficulties with. Maybe it will come in time, maybe it won't. I do know that I can't make myself believe something if in reality I simply don't. "Forcing a square peg in a round hole" comes to mind. For me anyway, "fake it till I make it" is only fooling myself.
-Have you considered/tried other options? Counselling? Religion? Other available recovery programs? My own recovery, while mainly AA, also includes the support of non-AA family & friends, spiritual teachings, journaling, and of course SR. I was also in counselling for a while and it helped. Maybe give some thought to what you can do different this time.
Best wishes to ya. This may very well be the last time you ever have to drink.