Families often say, “I should have recognized his alcoholism. After all, he was an alcoholic when I married him 30 years ago.” Well, baloney! Thirty years ago, who in the world recognized alcoholism? We knew people were drunks, but we didn’t know they were alcoholics.

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Anyone who calls you “an enabler” has no concept of what real recovery is. It is important to look at this word and see what it means. Basically, it means that you have cleaned up after the alcoholic’s messes; that you have not been able to stop yourself from rescuing him or her from the consequences of their behavior. The reason you rescued the alcoholic is that you either were very fearful for them, or you were afraid of losing the alcoholic’s love, or you thought that the alcoholic would leave you if you “stopped putting up with it.”

Nobody has the right to fault you; it’s blaming the victim. That’s a terrible thing to do to the family.

Furthermore, when you call someone an enabler, you are giving the alcoholic yet another excuse for his behavior. I’ve heard a lot of alcoholics say, “I wouldn’t have drunk as long if I hadn’t been enabled.”

Alcoholism counselors consider it important for recovery when alcoholics stop blaming other people for their drinking. When an alcoholic says that he or she drank because they “were enabled” – they are adding yet another excuse to the repertoire. And that kind of excuse-making kills alcoholics.

That kind of blaming makes it easier for them to go back out and drink – the next time they think they’ve “been done wrong.”

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What if you did enable – rescue – this alcoholic? If you did, you were acting from a very normal instinct to love and protect.

Let me quote from an article in the Baltimore Sunpapers a few years ago. A reporter was at a local outpatient treatment center where families were gathered to view a film. As they watched, many of the family members became visibly angry. The reporter asked why they were upset, and was told by viewers that in the film they were called “enablers.” One woman very articulately stated, “If we love them, we’re enablers. If we’re angry, we’re bitches. When do we win?”

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We’ve got to stop calling family members “enablers” because they loved.

Families will stop rescuing when they feel safe enough to do so, when they have lost their fears of losing the alcoholic. Attacking them for “enabling” only increases their fears and feelings of unworthiness.

We’ve also got to stop blaming families for being angry when they are naturally angry because of all the junk that’s happened. We’ve got to help families to learn to stop blaming themselves and how to say, instead, “I did my best, I did what I could, I probably did more than anyone else could’ve done. I’ve certainly put up with more than my alcoholic would have done, had I acted that way toward him.

“Now, I’ve got to start believing my recovery is dependent upon my becoming self-centered in a healthy way.”

Let’s stop putting families in a no-win.