well...i'm ok...not drinking...
I feel like i am in a really critical place right now. I believe I have broken a relationship. I see my part, and i did come to see he had a part as well late last night...but the point is it is broke and I don't believe it can be fixed.
I've been through this a number of times in my life and I still don't know the healthy choice to deal with it. My answers have been
1. drink
2. isolate
not necissarily in that order.
Once you do something that blows another person's trust out of the water...well i've never had that heal. It's just gone..and it can never really come back you knw...there is always the memory, always a wall..and it goes both ways.
I see some errors in action on my part, unfortunately, i actually don't believe that i won't make those errors a gain. I still don't see them coming and it happens to fast for me to catch.
I'm fluxuating between autopiolot shut down to what for me is a scary extent and total vunerablity and tears.
i'm headed for the strenght of sucking it up and going on because i am a strong woman and did my life without friendship a long long time...I don't need anyone. But I prefer to have relationships with others and stay vunerable and open to life.
I'm both afraid of shutting down from life and of being vuneralbe and causing these sorts of rifs in my other relationships....
this just seems to me to be crutial to my continuing sobriety...I have to find some way to walk through this that isn't shutting down and closing....or being a blurbally mess.
ok...now i'm a wreck again from thinking about it so i'm gonna go into shut down mode so i can be together again in a bit and go to work.
thanks for listening.