Ruby,
I understand your fear, but please try to get yourself to Al Anon. It's been a lifesaver for me, also. And I tell my Al Anon friends that I can't really explain it, but my self esteem has improved GREATLY since going to meetings. That is just one of the wonderful perks of going to meetings and sticking with them. The trick is to stick with them, hang in there. The blessings WILL come.
I wish I lived close to you. I'd pick you up and take you to a meeting. But since I don't, give yourself a treat and go.
Encouraging hugs,
Hangin' In