Oh, how your post brought back memories. Several years ago, I too went back out and came back to post, beat and exhausted, what I had done, head pounding, ashamed and filled with guilt. It doesn't get any better out there, but it does get worse.
For myself, trying it out one last time was the catalyst to my sobriety. I finally realized that I would never win at the game of drinking. It is to much of a gamble and I was losing big time. Maybe this time is all the proof you need to understand. We are winners if we give up trying to drink, normally, once and for all. Thanks for sharing and wishing you the best on your sober journey.