Firestorm, you said it all when you said, "The fun left a long time ago", and "The booze no longer dulls the pain." That's the point I reached when I finally convinced myself the good times were never coming back, only misery and danger. Yes, I would love to have a re-do of the whole thing, and have the euphoric times return, but they can never come back. I sure tried hard enough to find them again, & almost died in the process.
Be proud of yourself for coming here and spilling it, rather than digging your hole deeper. This is all part of the process - at least it was for me. I got so tired of these episodes and wanted rid of them once and for all.
Maybe that was your last time, and now it'll be clear sailing. Sending love & hope to you.