Good Morning SR friends,
After sleeping a few hours, I awoke to a pounding headache and feeling like crap overall. My hands are shaking, my eyes are blurry, and I feel like a total wreck.
One of the reasons that I went back out is because a couple of guys I used to drink with called and said they were going to a party and I was invited. I'm sure I had strayed away from my program already, and this was just a convenient excuse. I had become lax in going to meetings and talking with others, I began to isolate again and the results were foreseeable, yet I kept doing the opposite of what I needed to do. I chose to neglect my health and well being, and ended up not caring... again. When I don't care, I find it easier to just go out and get wasted, smashed, whatever you want to call it. While going to the meetings, I recall hearing a few people say that the people in the rooms loved them till they were able to love themselves, and I thought those were just nice words, but really didn't know if they were real. I now can see what those words really mean, but I haven't reached that point where I can honestly say I love myself, in fact the opposite is closer to the truth. At times I outright despise myself, think I don't deserve to be sober, and throw my life into chaos and mayhem just to feel normal again. That's really crazy stuff, but I can't deny the insanity of my choices.
Changing my path now is going to be hard because I've slipped back into the old familiar rut of drunkenness, the old cloth of hell on earth to which I've become destructively accustomed. I shudder when I consider how easy it is to give in, to shirk all concern for others and just get drunk, without bearing in mind how much others are striving to help me. It sickens me that I am that way, yet that's exactly what I have done and I'm not proud of it at all. I only hope it's not too late to grab on to the extended hands of support and pull myself out of this hell again.