Well, as they say on TV detective shows, "lets look at the evidence"
You state you have 5 daily readings, and frequent many alanon boards
If you go back, and reread all your posts while you were doing your reading and frequenting these forums, there is what your thinking looks like by doing what you are doing.
I mean, there it is. Can't really argue with it, it's in black and white, you wrote all of it.
Keep doing what you are doing, you will keep getting what you are getting, and if nothing changes, nothing changes.
"Old timers" always nod when I justify what I am doing and say two things, "Hows that working out for you...what you are doing?"
then they listen,....smile and nod, and pat me on the head and say "keep doing what you are doing"