nowwhat

For my entire relationship with the XABF, I was overly-focused on him and trying to get him to see that he couldn't live without me, trying to get my needs for security met, wanting to skip past the pain of my divorce and just being entirely unrealistic about how life and love actually work.

I didn't want to be divorced, didn't want to have to take care of three children with no support, didn't want to look at how I made a very poor decision when I chose my marriage partner.

I allowed myself to be seduced by an illusion, even though I knew that it was a very dangerous situation and even though it made me unhappy much more frequently than it brought me joy.

Now that I'm truly single, truly on my own, truly relying on myself, I see that I was all of these things all along.

I don't think I have any true desire to live a "conventional" lifestyle, to cohabitate or marry.

I was afraid, I was depleted physically and emotionally, and I was using HIM as much as he was using ME. I am just as responsible, and had just as many less-than-honest behaviors as he did. I think we really liked each other and had a lot of very compatible elements but neither one of us has any idea how healthy adults have relationships.

I am ready to move on and make my own life, feel good about my independence, and relish the freedom that being on my own allows me.

I have hope!