Anvil - thank you for replying.
I am in therapy ....... RE - LEARNING my sense of self..... I have totally lost my sense of self.... and it is THAT... that is the most churning.
If my guy relapses....... and chooses to be an "idiot" ........ my boundary is that he is to NOT come home.
When my guy first relapsed... I figured it was over for good........ but another codie/addict somehow got us back together
. BTW - she is now 100 something days clean and doing 1-2 meetings a day - has left her alcoholic husband and has moved a few hundred miles away to be with her support network. I actually was her "go to" person when she decided to detox off the pills and she would call ME to talk her down from using! Pretty ironic! (So proud of her!)
Anyway - he was back home in a matter of weeks.
However, his last relapse..... was hours before we were going on a family trip across the US - to visit *HIS* family!!!! I used this SR board the night of - up to the point - of departing on the airplane. Annnnnnnnnnnnd.... because of the situation - needless to say - my boundary didn't stay in place, but my looks could have killed. And as a result - his folks most likely found me to be the most evil girlfriend EVER. (Although - I don't think they think that now - or at least I hope they don't)
Back to the last relapse - the day we got home from visiting his family - HE was on the phone with addiction specialists for Subutex treatment. He had an appointment the very next day. He has stuck with it now for 6 months and he has been their best patient! Subutex has helped him more than he even imagined. (In the early stage - there were some massive rocky times... not to forget - the few weeks of him doing n20 and me struggling YET again with not having a boundary for "that" - while I was working that part out - he just got sick and tired of using it). He has been weaning off of the subutex - and has gone from taking it throughout the day.... to taking it only at night. He also got himself on some Bipolar meds..... and over the course of 6 months - he is finding himself "happy" when he wakes up in the morning - and ready to greet the day! (he actually rises before the alarm goes off and is the first out of bed!) He is working a ton - and is extremely proud of himself. His recovery is for him to own.... and all I have done (in regards to his recovery) is put my boundaries in place - should there be another relapse.
NOW...... it's ABOUT ME! Like I said - I'm in therapy to find my sense of self AGAIN - to love myself / forgive myself - for all that I lost in *his* addiction.... all that I CHOSE to do when it came down to fixing him. The reality is that I didn't do anything to fix him, all I did was damage myself, in the process. And I ALLOWED myself to GET lost.
If it wasn't for the addict in my life ... I wouldn't be working on my codependency - which I have grown into since childhood. So - I'm going back to my childhood to work through this. It did NOT start with my guy's addiction - it started with ME - but *his* addiction has brought out my sickness and has literally forced me to look at myself.
We are both re-learning how to live without addiction in either one of our lives. He is OCD in things he does...... and I have attachment issues. We BOTH have issues. We are working on them in our own way.
I never knew my guy "sober" - I met him when he was an 'undercover' user.... turned into "abuser" - resulting in addiction. He used to say.... I wish you would have met me "when I was x years younger and not so damaged"..... and little did he or I know that was like giving candy to a child! To a "codie" - that was JUST what I needed to hear ..... for *I* was going to help him get back to that person he was proud of once before. :::Sigh::: - but I lost myself totally and completely in doing so. Actually - he sent me an email about the 3rd week into knowing one another - telling me how much he appreciated "our talk"..... and that he was in a fork in the road and didn't know which way to go and that he was just needing a "sign"...... and that .... "PERHAPS I WAS IT" - the sign he was looking for! My gosh - that made me light up.... because intuitively - I just "knew" - I was that sign! Little did I know - the price I would pay.
We all have our own stories.... the addicts are our children, our siblings, loved ones who we knew for many years as being sober prior to addiction, being double winners, the list goes on.......... but the one thing we in codie land can relate to is truly believing the words.....
"I can't control IT, cure IT, or cause IT" ....
and we ALL are given tools to find serenity in our lives no matter what course we CHOOSE to go down.
Cessy - you have brought together a fruitful thread..... with much *abundance*!
Thank you.
Peace ~ xoxo