Originally Posted by
blessed4x 
I think if you continue your personal growth through counseling and he does not you will find that you aren't moving forward in parallel lines, but rather will be going in opposite directions. IMHO it will be very difficult to have a close, emotionally fulfilling relationship with someone who is stagnant and who's heart is not open to change and grow with you.
Here's the thing: AH says he is open to change and growth...but he firmly believes we have to do it
together.
Then, when I mention he might consider therapy, he says "oh, I'm not recovering like YOU want me to" arrgg!
Again, the blame.
I'm simply trying to be honest. I'm stating that I do not see the point of couples work if we each have not plowed through out own issues of codependency. Also, during the counseling sessions, I do most the talking (it's always been like this) and AH sits there and scowls at me. Nice.
Originally Posted by
GiveLove
I COMPLETELY get your point and it seems he could really benefit from individual counseling, but I don't know if it's necessarily impossible to heal without great draughts of space around us. What does your couples counselor say about his blaming you for his feelings, passive-aggressiveness, etc.? Are there specific behaviors and modes of expression that can be put on the table in couples counseling, "calling him out" on this a bit? Do you have a clear boundary around this behavior?
In an ideal relationship, we'd both be on the very same healing curve at all times, but sometimes one partner's just far out ahead of the other and there's a lot of fear -- of being left behind, of not doing the right things, of "losing their personality" and lots of other irrational stuff.
Thanks GL.
The counselor actually keeps saying that the root of our problem lies in our inability to "speak our needs" to one another. He's a big proponent of this theory of non-violent communication. In other words, our needs are not being met because we are too busy reacting and we don't know how to listen with empathy and compassion.
All true..... but this counselor never addresses the issue of codependency. And the knee-jerk reaction to defend ourselves and blame stems from codependency. Doesn't the root of the problem need to be addressed?
This is what I'm trying to do in individual therapy. AH is learning new healthier coping strategies (play music instead of drink) but he still looks to ME as the source of all our current problems. :sigh:
Originally Posted by
silkspin Hi Robinsfly,
This is a tough one, and my best advice is to try and not pay attention to what he's doing, and continue to focus on your own recovery. IMO, this is the best way for everything to start falling into place for you. When my AH got sober, I'd been going to al anon for 5 months. In that time, I grew, learned, and he didn't. His behaviour became very intolerable, and eventually applying the al anon principles of detachment etc. wasn't enough and I asked him to move out of the bedroom. And where I hadn't had the strength to do that in the many years prior, I somehow had it then, and it was subtle but powerful and serious. He moved into the basement and started going to AA.
6 months later and he is still in AA, although not as involved in his recovery as I. He told me after a recent couples meeting that he doesn't want to make it his life (the meetings and the focus on A) as some of the other people. I am strong enough in the program now to be able to let his comments go, instead of wondering if he'll ever progress as much as I am.
Basically, as I grow in the program, things unfold in front of me. I seem to know the right thing to do as any given situation arises. Have faith and confidence in your recovery that when the time comes, you will have that same clarity. You will know what to do; if that means leaving him, or staying and working it out. It's tough because we usually look to the future and want it a certain way, and want it to be like that right now. Truth is, we don't and won't know what the future holds, so just focus on today and strip away any expectations.
On the weekend we had a bit of a fight, and his 'old' ways came back. He is passive and opens the door for me to control him. I detached, then I talked about it with him. We ended up clearing the air, in an actual healthy exchange. Continue to work your program in the face of his codependent behaviours. It can only go so far if you don't fuel his fire.
Thanks Silkspin. Sounds like you've gone through a similar situation. And continue to live it.
AH did move out of the bedroom 10 months ago after the last rock-bottom crisis. He stays in the basement guest room.
Working my program in the face of his co behaviors seems almost impossible, because we have two preschoolers at home. They are getting in the middle of this, and our spirits are suffering.
I feel so much more at peace when AH isn't around. The kids feel it to. They are absorbing all the household tension.
Do you ever think, that's it: I cannot take the passivity and blame anymore? Regardless how much you try to detach.
Unraveling 8 years of an addictive relationship is grueling and exhausting work. I cannot take care of his feelings anymore. kwim?