At 10:00 Friday night, abf starts hinting at buying a house and our future etc. and is digging for comments from me. Finally he says "I mean if you want to be with me". I didn't say anything. He started packing stuff up. I was half asleep as I'd fallen asleep on the couch. He kept saying "you really should talk to me if you heard me". He was getting the dog all ready to go "for a ride". Of course he wasn't going anywhere. I was going to let him, but knew it wouldn't actually happen. So finally I started talking to him. It was a FOUR HOUR conversation that should NOT have lasted that long! (my bad.. got sucked in)
Oh my gosh the things he had to say. He told me that he would never consider leaving me if I had a problem... he'd stand by my side and help me. He finally admitted that it IS a problem (which he says he never said it wasn't???) but that I can't expect it to just be better instantly. He was out of control before and it takes time to get things back in control and it's getting better. He says that if he goes off the meds he would be dead from chronic pain in 10 years. Said I was crazy to think that he would take so many meds that make him fall asleep if he had a baby (I voiced concern about having children with him). Said that I think he's a junkie and I'm wrong. Said he'll prove me wrong and I'll be sorry.
He asked if I was breaking up with him. I wasn't prepared for this conversation. I just cried and then he proceeded to tell me that that was his answer. So he proceeded to get the engagement ring out that he had gotten me and threw the box at me (not hard).
Oh, and this just urks me. He had told me before that if anyone thought that he needed help that he would go to a 30 in-patient program for treatment. Now he says that if I told him that he had to go or I was going to leave, that he would go and he'd come back out with the same meds because he really does need them and the only thing that would change would be that he would resent me. I said, but you told me that if anyone thought you needed to go you would. He said no, what I said was that if the people I cared about thought I needed to go I would... not just you. But of course nobody else sees it like I can. They aren't around. Although they know there's an issue.
He wanted me to PROVE to him that he has a problem. I said I can SEE it with my own two eyes. He of course proceeds to tell me that I should tell him when I notice things because sometimes he doesn't know! Says that sometimes he takes two lunesta because his pain is so bad he can't sleep, and that's why I see him "nodding" in his chair. He also says that he "never PLANS to take too much". Sometimes after he's taken a couple, his inhibitions lessen and then he'll take more. Like that makes a difference!
At any rate, by 2:00 in the morning I was exhausted. We never really said if we were broken up or anything. I couldn't take it anymore. I fell asleep on the couch. At 7:00 in the morning he said his back hurt and he had to go to bed... I was welcome to join him. I did. But I got up by 9:00, showered, packed up enough clothes for a few days and left a note saying he gave me a lot of things to think aboutand I was staying with a friend for a few days so that I could think clearly.
Over the last couple of days, I've gotten calls from our tenants. He's not answering his phone. He told me also during our talk that if we break up that his brother and I are going to have to get a manager. I told him we can't afford a manager. He said, well then you guys will have to do it because I won't be doing anything for while! Are you kidding me?! I told him I have a full-time job and I have to keep going to it. Why should he just stop working. What a bunch of BS! I don't know what to do. I stayed at my friend's house Saturday and Sunday night. I think I'll stay tonight too. I brought enough to stay for 4 days I think. I don't know what my next step should be. I kind of just don't want to go back. I don't know if he's even taking care of the animals or what the heck he's doing.
I just wish he'd take responsibility! Why Why Why can't he just act like an adult and be responsible??? On top of everything, I can't work full time and worry about what's going on with our apartments. We have people who were supposed to move in this weekend and I don't even know if he got back to them. Can I just sell everything and move to Mexico???
I don't know what to do next. I finally have that "numb" feeling. I don't know how to feel and I don't know what my next move should be. I feel kind of frozen. It sure is nice to be staying with my friend, but I don't feel capable of making any more decisions. Don't know when to go back. I'm dreading any more conversations with him. This just sucks...
