Hey folks...
My name's 'Illuminati' & I'm an __________-ic. This is my first post. I read the forum rules & I will do everything I can to make sure I follow those rules.
I'll lay out as brief of a self-history as I can so you all can get an idea of what has made me tick for 43 years.
As far back as I can remember, I had a very difficult time being able to 'fit in' socially. I was shy & anxious. I was mercilessly teased & picked on from grade school into Jr. High. I was easily brought to extreme rage & would cry when this happened, which only increased the mental/emotional/physical abuse from my 'peers'.
I started smoking cigarettes in 5th grade when I was 11. I started smoking pot the next year in 6th grade. Through Jr. high I tried other drugs [acid, 'shrooms & coke], but weed was my drug of choice. Getting stoned & playing guitar got me to my 'happy place' where the pain went away.
I knew there was something wrong in my head. I fought horribly w/my mom & dad & said the most hateful & vile things. I moved in with a friend my junior year of high school, but by then no amount of weed or Jack Daniels or anything else worked anymore. On Dec. 7th, 1981, I emptied my friend's parents medicine cabinet to end it.
I was hospitalized, & was in & out for a few years...diagnosed as severe manic-depressive. I was told not to take the 'bad' drugs & was given 'good' ones...extremely heavy doses of Elavil, Melaril & Thorazine. When my parent's insurance ran out, I was released & was suddenly 'cured'.
After I graduated in '84 I moved away & things slowly began to get better, at least I thought it was. I still smoked & drank but held jobs, paid bills & rent & had a girlfriend [now my wife]. But I knew that something was still wrong.
This is getting a little longer than I had hoped....The relationship with my then-girlfriend was tough. We started dating young [she was 15 I was 20] but we kept at it...there was infidelity on both sides but we still kept going & married May '92...& still I knew something was wrong.
Jump ahead 7 years. After my wife got her Masters, her job had us moving from state to state. Our 1st child was born in '99. We worked opposite shifts so someone was always home with him, having no family or friends nearby to help with child care. We decided that when we moved again that I'd be Mr. Mom-stay-at-home-dad...something I was happy to do, BTW!
2 years later we moved again from Florida to Colorado. Things seemed better, but soon the isolation from what was my comfort zone in our hometown: my job, family, friends...closed in on me. My anxiety that had been in check skyrocketed. I hated being alone, but was almost crippled by a plethora of fears/phobias:
Agoraphobia [being out of the house], Demophobia [fear of crowds], Hodophobia [fear of driving in heavy traffic], Kakorrhaphiophobia [fear of failure], & a few others thrown in there. I'd always turned to the six-pack or the bottle or the bong to keep that sh*t at bay...to push it down...shove it in a little box where I could 'ignore' it. When I was drinking or stoned, people saw the outside me...fun, funny, talkative. I rarely got totally hammered. I never suffered blackouts, I didn't drive under the influence. I didn't deal drugs. I was [& still am] a social drinker. But STILL, I knew something was wrong.
The isolation in Colorado steadily increased my fears & phobias, so of course so did my drinking. I quit the weed almost entirely [no more than 1-2 times a year..a couple of hits with friends at BBQ's or canoe trips]...& put the bottle away...sticking with beer. But at this time, I was drinking every day...at least a six-pack...& was drinking at home during the day while watching & playing with my son.
The computer became my only lifeline to the outside world. Email & chat rooms got me 'out of the house'. I started daily email communication with friends back home...women...that my wife & I have known for some 20+ years.
They were in the same boat as me...marriages very rocky...feeling alone & isolated...intimacy, both physical & emotional almost non-existent. We shared our loneliness, comforted one another.
But my emails began to get more personal..more intimate. I knew this was not good..but since it was one of the very few things that made me feel good, it was almost impossible to stop.
Of course, inevitably, all of this came crashing down on my head. My 'electronic infidelity' was exposed..my daily drinking..all of these things could no longer be hidden.
At this point, I believed that my days as a husband & as a father of now 2 sons had come to an end. But my wife & I talked, & we both came to the conclusion that there really *was* something else going on..some underlying 'thing' that was at the root of all of this. We agreed to give our marriage & relationship one last fighting chance & decided to go to therapy together. I knew it was our last shot.
We moved back to our home town. Having family & friends has really helped. We started therapy. In 15 minutes, our therapist diagnosed me as a classic, text-book case of Bi-Polar & ADD/ADHD. I finally had that 'Aha' moment. I finally knew the 'why' of why I was how & how I was! I started medications which have helped me massively!
But wait, there's more!
2 years ago, I had MAJOR back surgery. 2 discs removed, 3 vertebrae fused, 4 screws, 2 rods & a titanium cage in my low back. But I still suffer from chronic, inoperable sciatic nerve pain. I resisted taking heavy-duty pain & muscle meds as long as I could because I didn't want nor could be a drooling zombie since I'm still a stay-home-dad. But I had to relent since the pain & no-sleep were too much. Luckily the Fentynyl & Cyclobenzaprine have NOT gone from theraputic to recreational, & I intend to keep it that way!
But my drinking continues. I no longer drink alone during the day at home. But I drink every day.
The forum rules said I can't/shouldn't talk about this addiction, but it's at the core of the rest of my others...they are all connected. So I guess I'll just say that I've been addicted to pictures you wouldn't show in church since I was a kid. With the advent of the internet, it got totally beyond my control. This addiction is more damaging to my marriage than anything else.
I just started going to a group that deals with this addiction. I went to one 2 years ago, but when I talked about my diagnosis of Bi-Polar/ADD, the group leader jumped on me, saying I was using that as a crutch, an excuse, not facing the truth, that 'psuedo-psychology' had no place in group...I tried to keep going, but constantly being talked to like that when I was desperately trying to find my way just brought back all the pain I had in grade school when the kids chased me home from school every day. I'd cry on the drive all the way home..tell my wife that I was trying to get better..get help...but I felt like all the bridges I burned & people I hurt & pain I caused made it too little too late.
I am an Atheist. I do not believe in spirituality. At all. I do not have a spiritual bone in my body. I do NOT believe in God or a Higher Power. There is no mystical energy field that controls my destiny or life.
I know the universe is bigger than me. The Hubble telescope pictures give me goosebumps! But the Universe can't repair the flaws of my character. [I don't like that line, BTW.]. The Universe can't affect my will & life. Mother Nature, The Universe, Odin, Allah, Jahovah...the do not exist in my world.
For me to just say those words to go with the flow is actually offensive to me.
I do not judge or disrespect people of Faith! It's not my place to judge someone for what they think, feel & believe. Yet since 7 out of 12 steps involve or invoke spirituality, higher power or God in one way or another, I'm worried how I can use those keys..those steps...to help me start walking on that long, never-ending road to a better life & better me.
There are a multitude of things that are 'bigger than me' in a non-physical way..the Universe as I said, Time, Space-Time, Evolution, etc. But NONE of these things can answer prayers, change/cure/remove my mental disorders.
Bi-Polars~ADD/ADHD's almost UNIVERSALLY turn to a myriad addictive ways to self-medicate the pain away. Booze, drugs, inappropriate social behaviors, gambling..you name it. I'm not saying my mental disorders 'made' me an alcoholic or drug addict or look at things I shouldn't. I take responsibility for them!!!
But like I said. The Orion Nebula or the Change of the Seasons can't help me stop drinking or turning on the computer.
So that's it. I want help. I need help. I'm ready to get help. I just don't know if a spirituality-based program & I can work together. I can be made or make myself a 'True Believer'...you are either spiritual or you are not. Thanks for reading this long post...
Feeling like I've lost even before I started...
illuminati