Another mother's day
Hey all! I'm having a rough day, and hope posting about it will give me some insight.
I'm feeling really awful about Mother's Day (it seems I'm not the only one). My AM called wanting to make plans with her mother and me, and I said "no", partly because I've been quite sick and partly because it sounds like a really bad idea (dynamics between the 3 of us, having to ride in a car/be "stuck" with AM, etc.) She was very upset, and had her usual response--angry/guilty emails and phone calls followed by some other "emergency" attempt to get my attention. I answered the phone when she called this morning (i know, I know...) and we had an "ignoring it" type conversation until she said "I''m waiting for you to say Happy Mother's Day". I was so angry! And didn't handle it especially well. I did say "Happy Mother's Day", but also "I have to go now" and my anger definitely came out a lot.
The truth is, I'm feeling really angry at her in general right now, not even about this situation, but about our relationship in general. Mother's Day has always been a sticky point. Even when I was a kid, she always felt sad and disappointed and not celebrated enough. And now, I feel so much resentment about the expectation that I will celebrate a holiday to honor the parenting of a woman who really, really, hurt me. But there's no kind way to say "I can't visit with you because I can't breathe thinking about being alone with you and I don't want to say Happy Mother's Day because every time I see a poster at a florist or jeweler I think about being in grade school and just praying that if I made a good enough card, you would be happy and wouldn't hurt me, and that makes me so angry it scares me."
But, I really want to be the best person I can be, and I want to be compassionate and kind, and that was so not it. I'm feeling guilty, and I think it's the combination of actual disappointment in my behavior in comparison to my own expectations and the same old guilt about not being able to make everyone happy, etc. Plus the guilt she's trying to make me feel. It's really hard to figure out what are my genuine expectations of myself, and what is just old patterns. To learn from the disappointment but "shut up" the guilt. Especially when I feel so angry, it's hard to think first and not just react.
I can see that she's really hurt. I know I can't expect to get it right every time, right away, but I still feel really upset with myself.