Hi everyone and thank you for all your responses. I read and took each one to heart. I didn't mean to imply that I want to find my bottom per se - or keep looking - but rather the idea that "shouldn't this be it?" or previous episodes. I think that may have been misunderstood - I just meant it as a figure of speech. Of course I want to stop now. That's why I am here. I am working with my GP, a psychiatrist and an addictions counsellor for those that have asked. I know I cannot do this alone. Thanks equally for the words of encouragement and the tough love. I will keep trying.
Jayne