Jayne, You reached your bottom a long time ago and kept on digging. You need help beyond the scope of SR. I don't know what your financial/insurance situation is, but you should really get into a detox program followed by a rehabilitation program. At the very least, get to an AA meeting. You'll find a lot of folks who've been where you are and are more than willing to help.
Are you selfish? Are you thoughtless. No, you're an alcoholic. And you're not responsible for being an alcoholic, but you are responsible for your actions.
You need to stop the pity party, Pity and resentment are our biggest enemies. "Am I that
selfish? I don't deserve anyone who cares about me" That, my friend is pity. You should thank God that there are still people who do care about you. "I hate myself. Hate" is a good example of resentment.
Life is full of choices. You need to start making the right ones. Go to AA. Go anywhere that can give you help. This is not a battle you can fight alone. I'm happy for you that you've made it to day 3 and will pray that you make it to 4, 5, etc. Take it one day at a time. Like Flutter, I hope you find your strength very soon. Time is running out. You can do it, kid, as we all have done it before you.