I have trouble with that, because it seems they are using some sort of standard to measure what they think they "should" have
"shoulds" are a HUGE problem for many ACoAs. We grow up being told we 'should' be better, smarter, able to read people's minds, able to predict the future, able to save people from themselves - the list goes on.
So for many, myself included, a huge hurdle is to be able to move past the idea of how things "should" be and accept how things are. The best therapist I ever had gave me these handy rewordings:
Instead of "I should" (or "s/he should"), say rather:
"I wish"
"I want" or
"It would be in my best interest if"
(note that I used that last one as one of my mantras last night - not "I should not participate in crazy making behaviors" - which adds a tremendous amount of stress and expectation onto myself in an already stressful situation because 'shoulds' have expectations of outcomes which I may or may not be in control of - but "It would be in my best interest to not participate..." This statement is a simple statement of fact and implies no expectations)
I'd love to take credit for the "I am not entitled to the family I think I should have..." statement, but that one came from a different therapist who asked me one day why I felt entitled to have my family behave differently than they do. It caught me totally off guard when he asked it, because I am not usually one to feel entitled to anything. I had to ask him for clarification, which was when he added the second part of "I am only entitled to the family I have." That mantra gets repeated a LOT by me. I still catch myself getting caught up in the 'shoulds'. I'm also glad that I have the tools to pull myself out of them when I catch myself doing it.
So. I wish my parents behaved differently. I also wish I had thin thighs and a pony. I want to have a healthy relationship with my parents. I also want world peace and global economic stability. It would be in my best interest to remember that "should" is a word best kept to use in scientific theorems, and not applied to my life.
And I am not entitled to the family member/coworker I "should" have, I am only entitled to the one that I've got.
Gin