Getting bitten
I consider myself fairly far along my own path, but on occasion something happens that catches me flat-footed and drops me right back into those old behaviors again.
Last night, a situation occurred that is familiar to probably every ACoA out there. Alcoholic parent doesn't get what they want, so get snitty and make threats and tries to guilt trip me.
Only last night I wasn't expecting it and was caught completely by surprise. My reaction went something like this:
1. Anger and retaliation: fine, you say you won't talk to me again? Don't.
2. Punitive: or I could call right now and discuss this - not with the intent of actually resolving anything, solely with the intent of calling late enough to get said parent out of bed, then return their behavior right at them.
3. Punitive: write a nasty email in response to the nasty email I received.
4. Wonder where the heck my recovery tools went. Once the initial shock wore off (several minutes), in my angry condition I was searching through my brain trying to find the right recovery tool to deal with the situation.
5. Realize I can't find my recovery tools in the state I'm in, and that the "state I'm in" isn't going to change if I can't find my recovery tools. Come here, read stickies at the top, cherry pick the tools.
Repeat as a mantra: "I have the right to not participate in the crazy making behaviors of my family.
Couple this with: "It would be in my best interest to not participate in the crazy making behaviors of my family."
Throw in a few: "I am not entitled to the family I think I should have, only the the one I have."
Repeat as needed until I feel more like me I want to be and less like the me I used to be. Heck, here it is 9 hours later and I'm still repeating them.
I wanted to post this, not for advice, but to let the people who have just started their recovery know that even when you've come a long way, something can still jump out and bite you when you least expect it. And to let them know that this forum is a great resource for such times - after all, it's here 24/7/365. And to remind them that even those of us who have been in therapy for years, who have walked the path of recovery for a fairly long time, who are largely happy and relatively sane, still have times when a button gets pushed and we find ourselves back in that pit again.
And there's nothing wrong with that, but it's good to have someplace to go to find the tools you need at the time.
Mind if I borrow a hammer? I may need it for an upcoming discussion I need to have to set a boundary - you know, for the tent pegs.... yeah...the tent pegs.