New and unsure of self
Hi all,
I have been married to a good man who is also an alcoholic for over 21 years. We have 3 children together ages 20, 17 and 14 years. He has been a heavy drinker for the past 15 years. When he is not working he is drinking. Mostly beer and a lot of it. He takes medication for anxiety, high blood pressure, and reflux. All which are not helped by his alcohol consumption and most likely caused by or aggravated by it. I know that he has never been honest with his doctor about how much he drinks. He feels lousy most of the time and rarely smiles or shows joy in life except when drunk.
He is highly functioning, successful, and kind and yet I cannot stand to be around him any more. I am angry, resentful, lonely and have lost so much respect for him. All because he cannot control his drinking. He has admitted it is a problem but will not seek help. Our activities are defined around his ability to get a beer. If he needs to be somewhere past 5pm I have to drive or we take a cab. If the kids need a ride home...I am the one to drive them...always..because he has always 'had a beer'. I am so very thankful he doesn't drink and drive. I just wish he didn't always have to be drinking.
I cannot see myself growing old with this man. I dont want to live with someone who is consistently under the influence of alcohol. Conversations are meaningless and frequently forgotten. I hate the smell of alcohol coming off his body in the morning. Sex life is practically non existant. I feel the relationship is an empty shell. I am turning 45 this month and look back with wonderment at how fast the years have gone by and realize I am already growing old with him but alone.
That said... he is not abusive, he loves his family and me, he provides for us well, and I care deeply what happens to him. I also don't want to shatter my childrens lives. I want to help, but I have become, what I recognize from reading here, a provoker and a martyr.
I dont really know what to do next. I have to just accept him as is or get out. I dont want to leave while my son is still in High School as I am afraid it will cause so much upheaval that it will affect his chances for success. There is also the problem that we live overseas and a separation of households here is a very difficult challenge. I would most likely have to move back to the states. However I am so sick of being angry and bitter and waking up next to him smelling of booze that I dont know if I can wait.
Anyways....Not entirely coherent but needed to dump my thoughts out somewhere.