You may or may not be an alcoholic, but you certainly exhibit the characteristics of one. Blackout drinking, the inablility to stop once you start drinking, the desire to learn to "control" your drinking....This is alcoholic behavior. Normal people don't do these things. Normal people don't have control their drinking. I recommend that you stick around this web site and read what others have to say. I'd also start going to AA meetings (they're free) and listen. The first step in AA is to admit that you are powerless over alcohol and that your life has become unmanageable. Sounds like you fit the bill here. Give it a try. Oh, and I recommend that you try stop drinking for awhile. See if you can do it.