Being honest, one and done
One of the things I have found hardest about the past 4 1/2 months is being honest about my drinking and holding myself accountable for my mistakes. SR has been extremely helpful in that respect, as I have forced myself to admit when I have had lapses. Counting yesterday, I've had 3 since the day before New Year's Eve. It is embarrassing and difficult to admit when I have made mistakes but doing so has helped me to stay sober for several months at a time and to get back on the horse, immediately, the other 2 times I've fallen. Yesterday was an odd one. I stopped by a restaurant after a very stressful and disappointing day. Of course, I was using a single disappointing incident to describe the whole day, which had actually been quite positive until I received some bad news. I had a screw it attitude and ordered a beer. As I started drinking it I noticed myself thinking of ways to prepare for the coming hangover and recovery period. That is, I was calculating sick/vacation days in my mind. Also, I thought of what I would say to all of you, knowing that I was so willingly throwing all that I had fought and struggled for out the window. I don't know how I was able to do this, but I stopped. I paid my "tab" which consisted of one drink, and left the bar. I then stayed busy for the remainder of the evening and watched several episodes of the tv show, Intervention. That is a very powerful show, in my opinion.
Since I took my very first drink at age 15, I don't think I have ever had one drink. Normally, if I have one, I have 6-15 (or more on a binge). This was really a first and was an odd experience. It was not at all fun, and I was consumed with guilt and regret. I also felt quite a bit of anger at myself for so carelessly and willfully ordering a drink. Even with just one, I did not drink like a normal person. I was filled with negative emotion. I felt some physical discomfort within an hour. My sleep, which had really been returning to normal, was fitful and shallow. I am very disappointed in myself for starting to enter my binge cycle, but glad I can report that I stopped it before it even finished getting started.
While I am happy I succeeded in stopping my cycle, I have to remember the difficulty and unpleasantness of the experience. I was dangerously close to a binge and the whole experience was in no way pleasant. I know that I will tempt myself in the future, by telling myself, "you had one and stopped, have one or two now". Non-alcoholic drinkers do not calculate sick days when having one drink. They don't fight with themselves for the rest of the evening to keep from having a second. They also can't say they've had a thousand or so experiences where they were not able to stop at one. Even with one, it still dictated the remainder of the evening. It took all of my attention and energy contain the urge for a second. Normal drinkers probably don't say that either.
Thanks for reading. I am grateful to all of you. Without SR, I would be calling in sick to work right now instead of posting and reflecting. Whew! Time to get ready for work!