Hello everyone, I am new here and am looking forward to talking to many people, gaining help, and giving help.
I thought I hit bottom a bit ago with an arrest after my wife and I got into it...apparently not.
Currently, I am not Sober, 3 weeks later.
I have no defense, and make no arguments as to what happened the night i was hauled off and put in the drunk tank for the first time in my life, and honestly, I don't remember any of it, any of the courses of my action that led me here...I blacked out.....I had bottomed....until I got out.
As I write this I realize this is a rather long story, please bear with me, Ill shorten it =))....
Most recently I have been in marriage counseling with my wife (failed imo, I chewed our counselor out after she engaged me instead of listening) and have visited several local AA meetings until one fateful night that I came to conclude that it was....IMO...a "church group".
While I don't have any issue with anyone who goes to church, I personally am not one that is willing to be taught how to think and as such, church is not my way to go. I am a free thinker, more along the lines of budhism, spiritualism and overall whatever I want my religion to be. Going into AA, I had a set mindset as to what it was, and never realized that 6 / 12 steps involved god, and with my beliefs it just didn't work together. Needless to say when our marriage counselor engaged me on this fact, her and I got into it, and I left our session, never to return again. We continue to find another one.
I since have scheduled a meeting with an outpatient service for an "assessment" next week.
I begin the detox segment at least 3x a week as I try to pass through. I have detoxed by my self alone 5 times before (before ever realizing I was detoxing as it coincided with a 'biggest losser' contest at work and I attributed the symptoms to lack of calories....a mistake that earned me the nickname 'twitch' to which I couldn't explain at the time, but know better now.
My last attempt to stop was a 3 day stretch...Thur, Fri, Sat. by Saturday I couldn't drive, and with my wife 9 month's pregnant, she felt she couldn't drive and I pulled into a safeway and bought some bananas, and two 24oz beers, which I guzzled promptly when I got home w/o her knowledge, because as I thought it....she cannot drive, and I can drive much better w/o detox going on and the usual "oh I can stop anytime gig"...which I have several times in the past year, and come out on the other side fine, not realizing then it was a detox period. To me at this point my brain says I can stop...and drops the craving....but my body says ...oh no you don't!!! In the past, my mind has won out, but now my physical ailments has suffered my brain, and I continue on with a little bit.
Sorry all for the longness...apparetnly I have a lot to say, and a lot of ground to cover. If you have any questions, I feel comfortable here...as opposed to some AA meeting I have frequented over the last 2 months. I will try and post a daily update, as I am already feeling it's benefits...but where do I post it?
=me )) Thanks for reading my novel )))
