blessed4x

My STBXAH has been to AA meetings daily since Monday, read the Big Book, and has seen a counselor twice with 2 more appointments next week. He is being sincerely kind to me and the kids, has admitted to us that he is an alcoholic, and apologized for his past abuse.

I know, it's only been 5 days. He is aware that I am not postponing the divorce, and after the initial begging on Monday hasn't asked me to again. At my advice he hired an attorney and just seems to be happily moving on with working on his stuff. But it's only been 5 days.

I am feeling anger, resentment, at times even rage about all of these "positive" changes. I fully realize it is way too early to tell if any of it will become permanent, and how much of it is manipulation. It just infuriates me that for years the mere utterance of counseling or AA brought out a beast in him, and now he is quietly and humbly participating in both. I guess I need to accept the fact that I couldn't change him. It's a hard for me to come to terms with that. It's hard to know that he really could be a better dad, a better person without me. It's even harder to accept that my illness was keeping him sick all these years.

My hope and prayer is that we can both go on and live full, happy, healthy lives. That seperately we can parent better than we were able to together. I should be grateful for that possibility. It's still so hard.