bike4life

Well, that was an interesting week since my first AA meeting last Friday. After a 5 minute talk with a new friend before the meeting, I got in. Raised my hand as the first-timer and uttered my first name, "Hi, I'm Howard...oh thank you...huh, well...(gulp!)". Then listened to different people's talk...okay, I started to wonder if...and, of course, with a very open-mind, I accept it just the way it is. Nothing more needs to be explained, convinced, or coaxed here.

So, why did I go to AA? Well, my wife and I have had struggles of our own demons. Both of us blamed each other for whatever reason and counter-blamed again for our own internal weakness. When she first went to Al-Anon about 2 weeks ago, I thought, "Is she serious? She thinks I'm an alcoholic?" So, I decided to find out.

Now, at the end of the meeting, when the 24 hour coin came up, I actually interrupted to claim it! So, I bet your next question is, "Did you make it?" Well, I almost did. Then on Sunday, I watched the clock all morning again and then drank all day and night. Actually, it was overkill! Then on Monday morning, I woke up with no expert hangover but completely dazed and possibly a slight buzz. Dripped in the 'red eye' medicine. Did the usual family routine and when I got in the office, I did all I could to make a quick dash in the office kitchen for a coffee refills and then hide back in my office cave. It's at the end of the hall and very few people ever stop by anyway, which sometimes I wonder, why and maybe this is why.

This was the worst office day and I thought someone could catch me being weird but I survived. I forgot an assignment that I promised to get done last week but no one seemed to notice. Then I literally didn't get anything done with this blank state of mind which was terrible.

So, when I got home on Monday day, I did all I could...I stopped at one drink. Then all night made me a little worried about the restlessness, heaviness on my chest, and possibly this is too much of a drastic cut in drinking hard liqour. I've read that I could die just from withdrawal and I'm not sure to believe it.

Then, I blamed the lost 24 coin and went back to drinking...abited, at a slower rate and reminded myself that I don't need that coin since it stuck in my head, anyway. I even asked my puzzled wife if she has seen a special coin.

Tuesday, went to 3 glasses. Wednesday, 4. And now, hopefully slow down to 3 tonight.

I made a doctor's appointment for next week to ensure a safe abstience.

Today, after a slight disagreement over housing issues. She keeps changing her mind about a lot of things and I'm more like my decision is final. She got upset when I told her that after my recovery, I want to sell the house with too many memories. Later, I finally admited to her about my addiction to alcohol and that I'm on step 3, now. I'll give her time to soak it in.

Regards,
Howard