Maybe I'm wrong, but I thought that abusing medications by taking them as they were not prescribed is illegal. I don't think your doctor knows that you're popping any number of Adderal, taking Percoset for a headache or any other pain, topping the cake with a bunch of benzos, washing it all down with a bunch of liquor, and then sprinkling the whole concoction with some sleeping pills. Then rinse and repeat. No doctor prescribes that, and I am quite positive that he hasn't been made aware of the fact that this is happening. So if you're getting meds that you're abusing, that's not quite legal, is it? If your doctor were aware of what's actually going on, he would probably have to make some serious changes with your situation so that he wouldn't risk losing his license.
Honey, I'm telling you that what you're doing is a total recipe for disaster. I mean of the worst kinds. I don't want to scare you, but you can't keep doing what you're doing. It's not going to work in your favor. Forget what you used to think the meds were doing for you, and start thinking about where you are with them now and where you're going to end up if you let this private cocktail party continue. In all seriousness, you could die.
I know you're scared hearing the things that have been said, but it's the truth. I hope you use that fear to get help. I don't want you to take that fear and medicate it! There are no medications for living. That's what WE are for...our bodies, our minds, our spirits... There's something Deepak Chopra says that has helped me tremendously. It's that we already have the greatest pharmacy within us. Many of us just have to learn how to use it better. We have the tools to calm us down, to make ourselves happier, to heal...
The story about not telling your therapist what's going on is not good. I know what it's like because, a few years ago, I did it too. I thought that the drugs were helping, like extra credit therapy on my own time, and what I was really doing was self-medicating. I didn't want to tell my therapist because I thought that I would have to stop abusing my former DOC, that the therapy would fall off track (like into talk about drugs) and I had the laurels of my ego to ride on. I had just spend weeks building myself up to him, I wanted him to respect me, and I thought he wouldn't if I told him what I was actually doing before and after our picture-perfect sessions. Little did I realize at the time that many of my problems were caused or at least worsened because of the drugs in my life. You can put anxiety at the top of that list. What I did was really foolish. Think of it this way. You're paying this person to help you, but you're lying to them by omission about an absolutely crucial part of the whole story. They can't really help you if they don't know what's going on. If they're involved in prescribing you meds, it's probable that they're treating the symptoms caused by the addiction rather than helping you through your reality.
I am so glad that you came to ask questions, whether you were conscious of the answers you might get or not. I really want you to get help. I wish nothing but the best for you. I don't want you to be afraid of the withdrawals because they're millions of times better than the alternative. We don't need to be guided by our fears, and anyway fear of removing the drugs is part of the addiction. You have so much to gain, and I hope that you take this opportunity to seek help. You don't need to feel like you're going down this road alone, and having people who know how to help you could only make this easier. Blessings.