I don't really believe I could ever be good enough for God's love
Hiding, were you and I in the same church growing up??
I have had similar feelings, which were, and occasionally still are, expressed as a compulsive need to know exactly how to worship/think about God. My old thoughts were 'I have to get this worship/prayer/image of God EXACTLY right otherwise He won't give a damn'.
Ugh.
So very wrong.
What ever you think you know about God, put it aside. Maybe you will return to that concept but NOW you need to strip away all that history and get down to finding out what a higher power
means to you.
One prayer often used in Step 2 is the Set-aside prayer, which spells it out:
God, Please help me set aside
Everything I think I know
About myself, my disease,
These steps, and especially You;
For an open mind
And a new experience
With myself, my disease,
These steps and especially You.
(from: AnonPress, Frequently Asked Questions,
http://anonpress.org/FAQ/files/read.asp?fID=149)
(can you guess I work in a school?)
In an obsessive need to figure out EXACTLY what a HP means in AA/alanon I read through many many posts, from fundamentalist christians to jews to all-out atheists.
And at the end of it, I figured out that there is no exact definition, other than this:
a) HP is definitely more powerful than me.
b) HP can restore (or in my case, just give me) sanity.
c) HP wants me better. Period.
If you think you know what God is thinking, then you are saying you are as powerful or more powerful than God.
If that is the case, then please give me a new car, preferably a Hybrid, 110/220 volt plug-in, with a 6-speaker stereo with satellite radio and wireless MP3/Ipod interface and GPS tracking?
Sorry, couldn't resist!
In recovery, one needs focus. We need God's help and we cannot let old ideas get in the way. As I said, you may return to those beliefs in the future, or not, but they are not helping you now. If it is not helping you, it is not your HP.