acer67

Hi all,

Well here I am - registered up and ready to try to embark on life as a sober individual. It is time to look in the mirror and admit that I have a problem.

I am a 41 yo mother of 3, married 18 years. A drinker since age 15. My dad was an AA member for over 30 years. It runs in the family.

I tried to face this 2 years ago but managed to convince myself, again, that alcohol is not a problem for me. I do not drink everyday and do not get loaded everytime I drink. However, quite frequently, (and more and more lately) I find myself going off the deep end and not being able to stop once I start. It is a release for me and, as I don't do it all the time, always convince myself that I am not an alcoholic. My drinks are not normal, fluffy drinks - they are stiff as hell. I find myself drinking quite frequently to feel more comfortable in social settings or when company is visiting. I have a real hard time with "small talk" and fitting in.

It is the guilt and shame that I feel after I tie one on that is terrible for me. I can beat myself up for a long time. I pulled a real boner this weekend and got totally smashed while entertaining my brother-in-law and his family. And, as I have this damn problem of feeling unable to "fit in" I have a prescription for Ativan which I stupidly mixed with booze. I really don't remember much of the end of the night and found myself trying to "piece" together anything dumb I might have done by quizzing my 13 yo daughter. It is so humiliating. I know I am disappointing my kids when I drink too much and I don't think my husband was too impressed either. It was hard to tell if he was mad at me yesterday or just hungover himself. He didn't mince too many words with me anyway.

So, here I sit, feeling totally crappy about myself. I tried a few AA meetings a couple years ago but just felt awkward