Hi Everlong.
You probably haven't seen me much, lately I've had things that have been keeping me from posting much, but this post I felt I might be able to help with.
The key to no longer being angry is acceptance. Accepting your father the way he is, accepting the situation the way it is, and accepting your feelings as they are.
For the first two, a therapist once gave me a great line that I occasionally use as a mantra: "I am not entitled to the father I think I should have, I am only entitled to the father I have." This works with any toxic person in your life, be they related or not. It's a gentle reminder to yourself that you don't get to choose the actions or behaviors of those around you, all you can do is witness them, and possibly wish they were different - but you don't get to change any of it.
For the third in my list, I have a hypothetical situation for you to ponder. Let's say you know a child - maybe 8 or 9 or 10 years old. They could be a niece or nephew or student or next door neighbor or whomever. And, for whatever reason, let's say that you have earned their trust. One day this child comes to you and asks "Why does Daddy drink? He's not nice when he drinks. It makes him sick and I'm scared that he's going to die because of how sick it makes him. So why does he do it? It makes me angry the way he treats me and mommy."
What would you say to that child (not talking about involving children's services, simply what would you reply to the child at that moment)?
I would probably say something like: "You're right, your Daddy is doing something that makes him sick, and it's not fair, especially since he could hurt you or your mommy. Some people don't think about how what they do will hurt the other people around them. It's not fair, it's not even right, but it is the way that some people act. I would be angry and worried and hurt if I were you too."
Now the key is to take the You that isn't in the situation - that would be the you who is asking the question, not the you that is feeling the anger - and have that You tell the other You - the one who is feeling the anger - tell the other You exactly what you would tell a child. Give yourself permission to feel angry. Some people get confused that to feel anger towards another person is to not love them, but the reality is that the more we love someone, the more angry we tend to be with them. Giving yourself permission to be angry, telling yourself that it would only be natural to be upset and that being hurt and wounded by his behavior is acceptable may take away some of your difficulties in accepting the situation as-is.
If you need to hear it from someone else, I'll tell you that yes, it is awful. It is hurtful and anger is a completely natural feeling to have given the circumstances, and I would be more worried if you *weren't* angry.
Grant yourself the sympathy for your situation that you would grant to that hypothetical child I mentioned above. Be a parent to yourself - tell yourself the things that you've known all along, but no other adult would dare say out loud for whatever reason.
The anger lessens as the acceptance of the situation increases. It's not an easy process, but it can be done.
I wish you peace in your heart.
Gin