d7d:
I'm glad you wrote your post recently. I've just recently logged back on (and thanks to the site for keeping my profile!!) after being 'gone' for more than a year.
I did a really stupid thing in moving back in with my parents last summer - it was only supposed to be for the summer, and only until I got divorce finalized, name off mortgage, etc...and I'm still there.
I went into the whole thing with a positive attitude, hoping that since I had gone through so much recovery and changes (books, websites, counseling, 12-steps, etc.), that things would be better - that I'd be able to help prove to them that I'm not a scumbag / loser / hateful witch.
On the first full day of my being there, my sister (who is 43 and still living at home, and always will) came home in a violent rage, pissed that supper wasn't ready on the stove for her, and that my mother and me were lazy (expletives) waiting for the sister to wait on us.
That set the tone for the rest of my time. I hate it. I've grown to hate them (the two women), as I feel they have hated me (and then emotionally abusively calling their hateful acts 'love' and trying to manipulate me into feeling guilty because they are family!!Bleah!!). Gee, no wonder I've always equated 'love' with pain.
I'm (partially) thankful for the experience, because I had never really come to terms with the effect they had on me - I always wanted to blame it on the men and the crummy girl-friends I had in my life....
But after a few months of being here, I felt like I was acting like a surly teenager walking around like a ghost, trying to avoid "getting picked up by the radar" like I was in high school - and realized that it was because it all felt the same. Nothing had really changed.
I've tried to keep my chin up, and avoid them at all costs, and from time to time slightly stand up for myself (which ends in getting screamed and cursed at)...and now, "the stars have finally lined up" in my life, so I can finally make a move on buying a house for myself and my girls. I'd live in a damn tent right now, except I'm in MN (brrrr).
That's the part that really sucks - I don't like the influence they have on my daughters, but at the same time, I feel obligated to allow my children to see their family - my girls are so full of love.... And I put on my best face and try to do well, but it's like everything I say is interpreted as a put-down or angry gripe...I don't even tell jokes or involve myself in group conversations when my father or brothers are around...I just want to be "left alone," another long-familiar attitude I recognize from my youth.
Well, I probably sound like a cry-baby (ACOA talking, there??), but just wanted to let you know that I can relate (oops!). It's when you come to that realization that you start to really heal, because then you can see why you did so many other F-d up things in life (for me, anyway).
I've blabbed on long enough, I think.
Take Care,