Everlong,
Thank you for being so real! I hate all this negative stuff happening in you,around you,and to you.
I REALLY do. I wish you did not have to endure these things, or suffer any longer. I know it seems impossible now, but YOU WILL NOT ALWAYS FEEL THIS WAY.
I hear so much of myself in you. I understand anger very well. I spent 23 years of my life making sure I never shed a tear. And now I still find anger to be something I naturally go to first when I am hurt. Anger, for a time,(ecspecially all throughout my childhood) was something I needed to protect myself from all the harmful things going on around me. I had no safe place, or safe person. No one. So there was all this pain adding up day after day after day, and no one to help me through it, let alone help me to develope into my own person. Had to suppresss my sadness and turn it into anger to survive,this was actually a good strategy at the time and I am thankful it helped me through it. I am glad you have this too for certain times. Even though anger can eventually turn destructive to you or others, for a time it is good and healthy. I am glad in this enviroment you have grown up in that you have still maintained enough of your own personhood to be upset, and realize that YOU DO DESERVE MORE!
You do deserve more, and so do your family members. Some of your family may choose more for themselves, and some may not. It sounds like you are on your way to try and figure out how to get to "your more", how to stop reliving this nightmare day in and day out.
It sucks so bad, and is so unfair that you have to feel this anger and this pain. It sucks that you have to figure out how to heal and mend your broken heart. I know you never asked for any of this and it has stolen pieces of your own life away, but you can live differently than what you have known.
I pray you have the strength to keep letting your anger out, the strength to go underneath your anger into those deep pools of sadness, and the strength to find your way. I love your spirit! You sound like a fighter to me! I am sorry you were a victim, but I am glad you are a survivor!!!
Much love to you
Fluer
Please keep reaching out here and try to find at least one person who you can be real with, who can help love you through this. I had to pay someone for this role for a time( a counselor) because i just had no safe people in my world. That felt kinda humilating at first, and just added to the list of something to be mad and sad about, but it helped me change my entire life. I still don't know why some people are born into healthy,loving families and some are not -but I do know with alot of courage and determination you can become capable of loving and being loved the way you have always wanted!