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04-05-2009, 09:28 PM

# 2 (permalink)

dothi

Member

Join Date: Sep 2008

Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.

Posts: 402

Wow, that sure sounds frustrating when you can't trust anything to go well (even "normal") because of your AF. Three things come to mind...

First, why should you not be angry? This situation is aggravating! It's like getting angry at yourself for getting angry at someone who pokes you all the time. Maybe they should just stop poking you. Each time they do it, they show that they are not respecting your personal space or your feelings. You have every right to feel upset about it.

Quote:

I'm also sick of people not listening to me! When I say leave me the hell alone, they come closer, and then I get angry at them. WTF?!? Why can't people respect me for once in their lives!??!!!

Second, get thee to counselling. Your circuits for stress are overloaded because you deserve to have your feelings respected and right now you're immersed in an environment where that's not happening. This pain is hurting you to the point where even the people who care about you can't figure out how to help you. Maybe because you don't even know what would help you right now.

What is your situation? Are you living at home with your parents? Are you in high school? College? Working?

Third - and I know you're going to think that I'm just pulling your leg - but how you are living/feeling right now can change, even if it's impossible to imagine at this point. I have been in your shoes. I am still watching my AF drink himself into his own grave, crying about how nobody loves him along the way. I have listened to him whine about how unloved he was as a child, and watched him walk away when I open my mouth to describe my own feelings. I have cried and slept my way through my own birthdays and holidays because it was the easiest way to get through the emotional abuse of AF's drinking. And I used to wonder the exact same thing: why do some people get to be happy, while some people (like me) get to be so damned alone and miserable? What am I doing wrong?

Everlong, I hear that you are hurting. It's like a sore, infested wound that never really heals - just scabs over for a while until it's ripped off again (next family gathering, I betcha). This too can change. Imagine that dealing with your anger is like dealing with a broken limb. Every time you try to move it, the pain reminds you of why it's broken in the first place - hence, instant rage, frustration, and resentment. In order for a broken limb to heal, it needs to be set (painful!) and then given time to heal. Dealing with your anger may require dealing with some very painful memories/feelings first. But if you do it right, you will heal and use that strength again. It's short-term pain for long-term gain, IF you are serious about change and figuring out what that looks like.

Know this: Your AF doesn't have to change in order for you to change. You can create change enough for you to manage the stress now, and when you feel calm-minded again, you can continue to create change to further reduce the impact this tension is having on you. This might require some guidance (as I bet your AF didn't teach you many helpful lessons about dealing with stress). This is where any of the following options will help: counselling, Al-anon or Alateen, journalling, posting online, finding someone to talk to. Remember the broken limb analogy. If your leg was broken, would you try to walk on it or fix it on your own? This brokenness involving anger, despair, and grief is not much different except that it's inside. Whether you choose to see a counsellor or just post here, finding help is just what the doctor would order. You don't have to "fix" all of this on your own.

Blessings only come in disguise when we haven't learned how to recognize them properly. Taking off the ACOA goggles can help.

Please take some time, rant, and tell us about the things frustrating you the most right now. Last time you posted, you didn't reply to anyone's questions. Know that you are NOT burdening anyone by venting your feelings here. This forum is full of great listeners, so go ahead and let us know what's going on for you.