Crazy4Him, first of all, let me send you some (((hugs))). I sooo empathize with you. I work with my Ex. too. And I sooooo relate to the feelings you show here. I know it is a painful place to be. Very painful.
"The usual, telling me that I never try, that I'm never going to change, that I'm insane, that if only I accepted him for who he was quack quackity quack. "
I have learned that whatever people tell me, is what they think of themselves. No exceptions. Its always true. My ex, when still Jekyll, told me I was brave. Ago told me the same thing he is telling you and its true..this is the road to madness. When he was Hyde, drunk as hell, he told me I was a coward. WTF?
The main error there being believing him more than I believe myself. Am I brave? I am. A lot. In my opinion. That's all I need.
He is entitled to his opinion about you, but that does not make it true.
Now, if we talk about your EX..
HE never tries.
HE will never change.
He is insane.
This sounds more accurate IMHO! Do not listen to his quacking.
So, you took a great step, which was to leave the relation. IMHO you have already done the most difficult part. You are nothing but co workers now.
I also tried to keep "friends" with the Ex. I hate it, not to talk to someone. I also talk with all the other ex's, not as these super friends, but at least we are OK. It gets me that I cannot do the same with this one.
BUT, sincerely, own your 50%.
Why can't I talk to F. now? Because F. could not create a space in his schedule, SOBER, and say the following words:
"I am interested in someone else. I am sorry. Never meant to hurt you in purpose. We lived great times."
It would have hurt, but it would have been honest, it would have respected what we lived together, he would have taken responsibility for his acts, and my feelings would have been acknowledged.
But no. His "apologies" were fake and forced. He lied, manipulated, failed to acknowledge and it also seemed he enjoyed stomping on my heart. He was disrespectful not once but many times. Drunk. And sober. He still is, the only difference is that I am no longer there suffering his pain. Because I do not deserve that. I deserve a partner, not a wounded child.
He is not good for me. He can think whatever he wants to think. It hurts to wonder if they give a damn.. or if they do not. But honestly, it does not matter. The damage is done and we need to heal. You need to take steps to heal.
In my case, he was also "friendly" for months - later I realized when he was asking about my party plans, it was because he had been with a new girlfriend for those same months as well, and did not want to attend a party where I may go because I would not let him enjoy as he wanted. What a catch
I asked him not to talk to me unless it was work related. I ALWAYs use dark glasses and iPod. It works wonders, not to have eye contact.
I know you may not be able to do this, but perhaps you can let him know that from now on you are only co workers? You may look for other jobs, then decide if you have a nice offer.
When I wanted to leave my current job my dad told me that first of all we need to bring food to the table, that is the first thing I have to do!! I seeked other jobs but this one was so much better in comparison. So. After I knew staying was MY DECISION, for MY OWN good, it got easier.
Your ex is another coworker. Coworkers are not friends, are coworkers.
Ppl told me I should dress better and look better and act happy, but no, I did not. I looked like a racoon and miserable, because I was miserable. You do not have to act any feeling you do not feel. If he or anyone sees you sad, or whatever, so what? Whose business is it anyway?
The only important thing now is for you to keep your job, seek other jobs if you wish, release all your feelings.
We all miss the ppl we knew, but they are not here anymore. I like to think that someday somehow I will be able to talk to the nice F. For now, he keeps drinking, he keeps acting as a jerk, and I have nothing in common with this person. Alcoholism is merciless. Know that you are taking the best decision for yourself, running away from this.
I think it is difficult when we keep seeing them, but its only a shell.
You've got to trust yourself and move forward, if I am able to do it, believe me you can, too.
Not easy but totally worth it. I "lost" an alcoholic, and I gained self respect, confidence, trust in myself and my instincts, I now know who my real friends are, I improved the relation with my family, allow my feelings to be, and I thank HP every day for giving me the courage to leave a destructive situation, complete, with my life still ahead of me. It WILL get better, I promise.
I hope you improve your relation with HP, ask him for what you need, hand him the situation and your emotions. We are here for you.