Ago

You are in love with this man

That's OK, we get that, time to stop beating yourself up, time to start taking care of yourself. Break ups are quite possibly some of the most painful, stressful events we go through as human beings.

I don't think you want "the games" I personally think you are on "overwhelm" and will do almost anything to get the man you fell in love with back.

He's gone.

He's not there, any more.

You say he "relapsed" that leads me to believe that during some point in the relationship, he was sober.

There was a book when I was growing up called "Alice doesn't live here any more" well that's the case here, that man that you knew and loved is gone.

He has a new "lover" and it's called "addiction" and you lose. You will always lose to addiction.

I am SO sorry. I am. My heart is breaking for you right now.

Part of taking care of yourself means being painfully honest with yourself so you can take the actions necessary to take care of yourself.

Earlier I mentioned that I felt this "break up" was "behavior modification" on your part.

Subsequent posts by you have added to that impression.

Time to start asking yourself the "hard" questions.

Can you accept him, as he is right now, and knowing addiction, knowing he will get worse as time passes, which, by the way, will make you even more "insane".

Or, Can you "walk away" now?

Can you "pull off the band aid" knowing it's going to hurt more then anything, knowing it's going to make you cry and hurt like the Dickens?

If you do, you WILL heal. If you don't, you will remain insane, and it gets worse, it gets a LOT worse, there is an abundance of information here, read the stickies, read the stories, it does and will get worse.

By the way, "being insane at the moment" is perfectly acceptable behavior during a break up and, quite frankly during a relationship with an alcoholic/addict.

Have you heard of Alanon?

There you can receive face to face support with people who have lived through what you are going through.

Alanon's second step even states " Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

Some people use the group as their higher power, some use "God", you are encouraged to use your own concept of a "power greater then yourself" so don't let that scare you.

Chocolate is good.

Friends are mission critical.

Engaging with him is bad.

Therapy is good.

"Isolating" right now is bad.

Obsessing about him and what is he is doing is bad.

Alanon is good.

Taking care of YOURSELF is good.

Time heals all wounds, when people were telling me that when I was in your shoes, I wanted to kill them, but it's true.

In Recovery, we do things "One Day at a Time", sometimes we do things "One minute at time"

Can you not call him for just one day?

Can you take care of yourself for just one day? Putting yourself ahead of everything in the whole world, especially him, for just. one. day.

Keep coming back, we care, we really really do.