***Please be forewarned, if you are very religious and take offense at others speaking about beliefs against it, please don't read further. I respect everyone's beliefs and do not judge or criticize others and I do not wish to persuade anyone.
I really do appreciate all of the responses. I don't know if this is considered giving up or not, but I don't think I'll return to an al-anon meeting again. It's not that I don't want to get help, even in a setting with others, it's just that I can't get past the spiritual thing. I can see agnostics getting through the program, because they don't define a "god" just a spiritual power. I don't believe in any higher power at all. Yeah, maybe this has something to do with being an ACoA, but it's more of a rational decision for me. I'm not angry with "God," I am just an atheist and that's my choice.
So that's why it's hard for me to go to one of those meetings. I don't have the 12 steps memorized, but pretty much all of them talk about letting things go to a "higher power." That we need to understand there's something "more" than us. On a very close philosophical level, I can never agree with those statements. I believe instead, that it is up to ME alone to change MYSELF. It is not the job of some nonexistent spirit to help me out. Therefore, how can I ever become better by following those steps? It also reinforces to me (this is cause by being an ACoA) that I'm not good enough, that I don't fit in with other people. Isolation. And so I think I'm going to stick to reading self-help books.