As much as I'm feeling a bit better, I've been getting waves of anxiety and worry that I won't be able to stay sober.
I been taking some medication (clonidine) for my cravings but what my spaced out doctor forgot to tell me is that it can be very addictive. So I've started to ween off of them slowly. Thankfully he gave me a low dose of them so it won't be so bad. I hate the feeling of being numb and that's how the clonidine makes me feel. Even though I'd drink beer to numb myself, at least in the morning I could feel again.
I haven't cried in about a week. I need to cry. If I don't let emotion out of any kind then I'm just going to turn into a little ball of stress and then one day explode on to the wrong person or someone I care about.
I'm praying a lot lately and as soon as I ask for help it actually seems to work and I'll feel a little bit better and I guess just that little bit helps me through the day.
I'm so tired and bored but I've managed to keep my head above water and not go crazy I just feel a little crazy sometimes Lol
My mom has been an awesome support I don't know what I'd do with out her.
Love you so much mom
So I've been having some good distractions and some bad ones too.
I know I've said this before and I don't want anyone to take it the wrong way but I've found for myself that there can be a lot of drama in AA meetings especially the ones I've been going to lately and that's what turned me off the first go around. But now there's something different in me like I've put myself in this protective bubble cause lately when I have been faced with any kind of drama in AA, or my ex boyfriend coming to my door late at night stinking of booze, or calling me late at night trying to tell me how I should live my life LOL! I just didn't let it bother me. I think it has to do with all the praying
I have a nice list of peoples numbers and emails from old friends from the rooms of AA and I'm getting less shy and insecure but I don't want to go to far with the feeling good cause every time I do it starts to scare me.
I feel like happiness can be just as progressive on its own just as much as alcoholism can be. And that's good nice and slow this process, as much as I'm getting antsy.
