Suzette,
I'm sorry you're struggling with these issues with your husband. I have some experience of living with a controlling man. And I completely sympathize with your reluctance to "upset the applecart" for fear of causing pain and confusion for your children. I've really had to seriously consider that issue myself.
After much confusion and vacillating, I have made the decision to stay with my husband and work through the issues. I will stick to that unless he physically harms me or the children ever again.
The biggest factor in my decision to stay was that I saw my husband make as strong of a committment to growth and harmony as I myself make. He agreed to therapy and a number of other requests I made of him. And I see him truly trying, working really hard, keeping his temper in check, reaching out, etc.
It doesn't make any sense for me to work my butt off to make things work in our household and have him just stomping around willy nilly doing whatever he wants. My husband thinks he's a god-fearing, church-going man too. That is irrelevant in my mind if he can't be nice to my kids and see me as an equal in our marriage.
On the disability front: I just this month was turned down for disability but have retained a lawyer and will be meeting with them tomorrow to begin the next stage of the process. I have received enormous support for filing for disability from my doctors and therapist. I would encourage you to keep trying. I know it's a difficult process. I couldn't do it without the help from my husband. I really think you will get approved, from everything you've shared with us here. Hang in there and don't let go!