You are reading from Codependents' Guide To The Twelve Steps by Melody Beattie
"Surrender happens of its own accord. It just dawns on me. Then, my life starts to get more manageable."
-Bob T
Step One
"We admitted we were powerless over others - that our lives had become unmanageable."
-Step One of CODA
The first time I heard this Step, I didn't get it. I didn't understand. It felt dark, scary, and untrue.
Powerless over others? My life - unmanageable?
I thought I was in complete control of myself and others. I thought there was no circumstance too overwhelming, no feeling so great that I couldn't handle it by sheer force of willpower. I thought being in control was expected of me. It was my job. That's how I got through life!
And I thought my life looked so much more manageable than the lives of those around me - until I started looking within. That's when I found the undercurrent of fear, anger, pain, loneliness, emptiness, and needs that had controlled me most of my life.
That's when I took my eyes off the other person long enough to take a look at the state of affairs of my life.
That's when I began to find a life and come alive.
"I didn't know about power and powerlessness," said Mary, talking about the First Step. "Being a victim and being in control was how I was in power. If I was powerless, then someone else was in control."
Now we are learning a better way to own our power than being victims and being controlling. It begins by admitting and accepting the truth about ourselves and our relationships.
We are powerless over others. When we try to exert power where we have none, our lives at some level may become unmanageable.