AH is 60+ days clean - I'm still very frustrated!
As some of you know, AH went to rehab for 30+ days and had to leave due to insurance. He was suppose to go back and complete 90 days total once the insurance was straightened out. He's fought and fought, but rehab won't let him come back because they're afraid insurance won't pay and they don't want to invest more $ into him. He's called, emailed the directors etc. In the end he's probably not going back.
He now has 60+ days clean. He's been staying here - so what's the problem??? I cannot STAND the inconsistancy. He's not working, but is looking for a job (If you recall he lost a great job of 19 years due to drugs). I'm paying all of the bills. When he first got out of rehab he was doing well, confidence was up, looked great, sleep shedule was great, he was active and productive. Rehab had him on a schedule and he stuck to it for about 1-2 weeks when he got home. He was helping around the house, interacting more with the kids, helping me in general.
Throughout the last month he now has his sleep schedule all out of whack. Some days he's up and down until 3-4am, he may sleep until noon or 1. Some days he's up and working around the house, others he'll lay in bed the entire day. Some days he feels fine, the others he's not feeling so well. Some days he's very active with the kids, the other days it's just laying in front of the tv with them all day. The one thing he's consistant about is being inconsistent. I CANNOT STAND the inconsistency! As I type this, I can walk back in the bedroom and see him sleeping at 9 am and I cringe, feel disgust, anger etc. He went to bed before me. I got about 7 hours of sleep, he's going on 10 +_ right now. This is what he always did when on drugs. Slowly he's reverting back to the same behavior. It's as if what he's learned in rehab is seeping out and the old AH is creeping back in.
When he first got out of rehab things were alot better - he was active, helpful, thankful etc. I'd realized that I've lived with the high AH for so long that that's how I came to know him. In reality it's been years since I've seen him sober.
For the last month we've been assuming he'll go back to rehab anytime. Now thats looking pretty grim. Over the weekend I told AH that if he intended on staying here, he needed to come up with an alternative recovery plan. I don't care if it's meetings, IOP or something else. I also said he needed to come up with a schedule and stick to it. No more staying up all night, sleeping all day. I said he needed to make lists and do things around the house every day, be productive and contribute. He needs to help with supper, help with the kids etc. He agreed - where is he right now? In bed, sick again - which is a HUGE trigger for me as is laziness.
My question is, how much should I be tolerating right now. I don't want to put expectations out there that are too high this early in recovery. I don't know if I'm expecting too much and need to back off for a bit or if I'm being rational in my boundaries this early on.
I guess from my perspective, I'm paying the bills, providing a roof over his head, clean clothes, toothpaste, deodorant etc. If the roles were reversed I would be doing everything in my power to show my appreciation. I would be jumping through hoops to show my gratitude. He is greatful, but nowhere near where I would be.
To his credit, we were both planning on him returning to rehab - we found out that most likely won't be happening about 4-5 days ago. It was a shock to both of us, so we're trying to come up with an alternative plan. Am I expecting too much?? He's clean, but I'm still seeing the same behaviors (laziness, sleeps all of the time, complains about aches, pains, headaches etc). I don't have any sympathy for him anymore when he's sick or depressed - I've seen it too many times because of drug use. I don't want to feel like this, but I do.
I don't want a 3rd child anymore, I want an equal. What's your thoughts on enforcing boundaries this early on? Am I being unreasonable in my expectations? You'd think everything is ok when in recovery, but it's far from it. I've been pretty hard on him when I see this behavior. That does NOT help him with his confidence level. It doesn't help me with my resentment level. I'm having a VERY hard time staying in MY hula hoop. I just want to wring his neck with frustration and it's helping neither of us.