xxkiwihoneyxx

Hi all

I was in a relationship with an alcoholic for three years. As you will see from my previous posts, I loved / love him deeply but it was also very damaging for me. We broke up for good last year but I'm feeling deeply upset today about it still. Most days I'm OK, but today I'm not.

Today he came over and begged me to come back to him. He was saying all this this stuff about how he is hopelessly in love with me still and so devastated because he knows he drank away our relationship and won't I come back to him please...etc. He was putting a hardcore guilt trip on me. He ended up storming out angrily because my answer was - no. When he was begging today for anoher chance I said, look, I love you so much and do remember all the good times. But I also remember in equal measure all the pain, the agony, the loneliness, the shame, the hurt, the rejection, the anxiety, spending my days feeling like a zombie, going out of my mind because he was too....when he last had a full relapse, I had a breakdown myself, nearly lost everything, my job, my home, my sanity. I can't risk going through that again. I want and deserve more, a healthy man who can really love me back! And I don't believe he can ever be that man because he has never managed to stay sober. He's only been sober a couple of weeks at the moment! I said a relationship was out of the question until he had at least six months straight of sobriety and only then I would even consider it.

Good for me for being strong at the time? I'm not now. I'm a raw mix of emotion. It's so hard to have a man who I love and wanted to be with so much begging me to come back. Of course I want to say yes because we have this whole life we built together. But I'm afraid it would destroy me, I couldn't take one more relapse. Hoping for things to get better and then losing him again. I just can't do it anymore, I don't have the heart to give, the time to give. Alcoholism has already taken away so much from me. And you never know how much is the alcoholic being in love with you and how much is them needing to use you. I want my own life now. I'm doing good these days and want to hold onto that! But I feel so guilty for feeling that way. I hate myself for it. It's a kind of survivor guilt.

It's so hard because I love him, the man, the person, so much. I want to help him so much. I worry when he is like this. And I always wanted that relationship to work. I want to be with him right now, cuddling in bed and believing in promises I know he can't keep. Like how he'll get sober and we'll have a much longed for baby together.... I know he'll pull out that promise if he thinks it'll work. Oh God I just am beside myself and want to cry and cry. I know he can't give me that relationship and I can't help him. All the grief and loss and sadness at the end of that relationship feels like it is right back with me again, how is that possible after all this time? I'm so sad about it still, all the could have beens. I'm just a confused bundle of guilt, anger, fear, worry. Incredible how just a small amount of contact with an alcoholic makes me crazy too. It's the most contagious disease on the planet. If I could tell anyone, please don't let yourself fall in love with an alcoholic.

It's like, I love this person, I want to help him but I can't and I want to move on with my own life and I feel so guilty for that. Please if you could say a few things to help with this guilt then that would be good for me.